Can't wait

You'd think after 2 1/2 years that I'd have this greiving thing figured out. But I'm learning that I never will. Seasons of greif come and go and even though each one is similar they are all so different too.
Each birthday and milestone bring a different flavour and especially each new life that joins our family.

I'm really looking forward to THIS.
REALLY looking forward to it.
Holding our precious newborn in my arms and seeing glimpses of her older brother, brings back many memories and makes me dream the 'what if he were here' dreams.
I'm needing a Brennan day.
And I'm REALLY hoping it's a warm sunshiny day!

Faces

Just saw a little boy in the face of a little girl...

I thought I'd be ok

Many thoughts but not many words...
Just remembering that week 36 as we go through this week 36.
'Today' we found out. 'Tomorrow' he was born.
Grateful for & relishing the kicks and wiggles as the memories of stillness flood me.

Brothers

I crept into Kellan's room last night to see if he was sleeping and to take one last peek at my little boy before bed.
As I was gazing at his sweet face I felt like I was looking right into his older brothers face. The angle and the tilt of his face created a shocking resemblance.
It was hard to pull away from that sight. A glimpse of my sweet first born.

Thanks for not forgetting

An elderly lady, who is a patient in our hospital, recently lost one of her daughters. Some coworkers were chatting about how horrible it would be to lose a child, young or old. I was present in the conversations but not really participating until one of them looked at me and said, "you lost a child didn't you Jen?"
Kind of taken aback by her comment and the fact that she included me in that category, I just gave her a 'Thanks for remembering' smile.

Somedays grief is pretty lonely but every now and then I are reminded that people do remember and that his little life touched more people then I know.

More I wishes

I wish I could have been more prepared. But how do you prepare for the death & burial of your wee infant son? - other then just going through the motions.

I wish I could have gone shopping and picked out a sweet little outfit that we could have dressed you in, instead of finding the smallest onesie (that unfortunately has a cat on it) in the limited selection of newborn clothes I had in the drawer.

If only I could have made you a little toque 'with love from mom' for your perfect little head instead of the too big/funky farm animals toque that looks (to me) so inappropriate.

Oh the 'I wishes' and 'what-if's'.

I AM thankful tho, that I was able to pick out a soft blanket to wrap you in. Thankful that I had the opportunity to pick something special out for you amidst the chaos. Thankful for the fog to clear a bit in my head to be able to do that...